A tribute to Isabel

An empty basket.

An unused scratching post.

A memorial basket from Dr. J and his staff.

It's been six days since I said my final goodbye to Isabel, and as the days pass, the tears become less frequent and the reality of her being gone forever starts to settle in. I think I was in shock those first few days only because I thought that she was doing so much better. I thought she was going to really pull through. Now I realize that I saw only what I wanted to see; my vision clouded by hope. In reality, she was going down hill much faster than I could truly comprehend at the time. For all of you who said a silent prayer for her and for those who left such kind comments, I thank you. I feel as though you have all shared in her life these past couple of months, and I feel ready to tell you the final chapter of her story.

It all started last Thursday morning when I woke up and noticed that Isabel wasn't sleeping right next to me as had been her customary sleeping spot since she came home from her surgery. After washing up, I went to go find her and make sure she was okay. I found her curled up next to the bed and noticed that she wasn't breathing quite right. I immediately called the vet office and they scheduled me to see Dr. Edwards since Dr. J was not in that day. I went about my normal routine periodically checking on her and giving her the usual chin scratch.

By the time her appointment rolled around, I knew she wasn't doing well. She didn't fight me to get into her basket (I always took her to the vet office in her basket) like she used to. She was very calm on our drive over to the office. Since we had become regulars at the vet’s, the entire staff came over to greet Izzy. She had become famous for hiding in her basket and being such a sweet kitty. I was happy that my little one was so loved, but I was also a little anxious. Nothing, however, could have prepared me for this exam.

Dr. Edwards came in and introduced himself and examined Izzy. As he was examining her, he informed me that the biopsy results had come in, and it wasn't good news. She had undifferentiated cancer cells in her belly, meaning that the specialists could not determine the origin of her cancer. I started crying, of course, but I was still hopeful. I was thinking, "OK, so she has cancer. Not the optimal situation, but she can fight it. She's strong. Look at her - she's fine." Dr. Edwards was concerned about her breathing situation, so he ordered some chest x-rays. The vet tech took her out of the room, and I just sat there and cried. Cancer. Again. In another one of my little ones. Why? Why oh why can’t we find a cure for cancer?

When Dr. Edwards came back into the room, I could tell something was wrong. Horribly wrong. He pulled the x-ray up on the computer screen, and to my horror, I saw the issue. I'm certainly no x-ray expert, but having seen so many x-rays done of my little ones, I knew this one wasn't right. Her chest area was completely foggy. Only a tiny portion showed up as black on the film, and on an x-ray, black means air. A chest x-ray should be all black except for the heart. Her chest was filling with fluid which was compressing her lungs and causing them to collapse. That's why she was having problems breathing.

But still, even at this point, even through the tears, my irrational mind was thinking, "She's going to be fine. He'll drain the fluid, her lungs will expand again, and she'll be fine. Right?" No, not right. Dr. Edwards told me that he could potentially drain the fluid from her chest, but knowing that she has such widespread cancer that had obviously already metastasized into her liver, he was certain that the fluid would be back in her chest in a few days, and we'd be right back to square one. I looked at him, confused. My mind was a jumbled mess of unanswered questions. And then he suggested what I didn't think I would have to do for a long time to come. He said I must say goodbye.

I just looked at him, stunned. My face was red and swollen; my eyes barely discernible through the puffiness. I began to hyperventilate. The room was getting smaller and smaller and things were moving all around me. I honestly thought I was going to faint right there and then. The only thing I could mutter was, "I don't understand. I don't understand." I kept repeating that over and over again until I finally grasped his words. I looked up at him, and not really knowing what else to do, I begged him to make her better. "How could this be? Look at her? She's fine. She's not gasping for air. She's just breathing funny. She's purring. She's meowing. How can you ask me to let her go? I don't understand."

Dr. Edwards was so patient with me. I could tell that he genuinely cared and wanted to help, but there was nothing more that could be done. He told me that respiratory distress could come on suddenly and could get very bad very quickly. I knew I didn't want to put Isabel through that. Not after ten years of love and devotion and companionship. I knew what had to be done. I just wasn't at a point of acceptance. I called Travis who immediately jumped in the car to come home, but he was far away and wouldn't make it before the office closed. Luckily, Dr. Edwards owns the emergency vet clinic in town and told me that I could bring her in whenever we were ready that night. I looked at Isabel who was purring in her basket and took her home.

To this day, I’m not quite sure how I made it back home safely. I don’t remember the drive. I don’t remember even walking through the door. I do remember putting Isabel on the bed with me and petting her as I sobbed. She only stayed with me for a little while, and then she retreated to the window sill. I remember grabbing my camera and taking as many pictures of her as I could. I remember petting her and holding her and burning her purr, her fur…burning everything into my memory. It was only a matter of hours before I had to say goodbye. It still wasn’t true to me. It just couldn’t be true.

The rest of my time with her that evening is a blur. Travis came home, and together we drove the ten miles to the emergency clinic. She was in her basket on my lap, and I was trying my best to be brave for her. I tried not to cry. Every so often, she would look up at me with those big, beautiful eyes. She had stopped purring. She had stopped meowing.

We arrived at the emergency clinic and we were greeted by the rudest, most callous woman I have ever met at an emergency hospital. The way she treated us was disgusting to the point that is still makes my stomach turn just to talk about it. I won’t go into details about how incredibly uncompassionate she was because it makes me so mad, but suffice it to say that during my most difficult time, I felt it necessary to inform Dr. Edwards that he should likely replace her with someone who was more sympathetic to the needs of pet parents. I absolutely refused for her to be in the room with us or to touch or handle Isabel afterwards.

After dealing with a situation that we one hundred percent should have never encountered in the first place, we said our final goodbyes to Isabel. I held her head in my hands, scratching her gums and her chin just like she loved. Travis had her hand on her head as well. I just starred into those big, beautiful yellow-green eyes and hoped she understood how much we loved her. I hope she understood that rather than be selfish and keep her around and risk her suffering, we chose to let her go peacefully. I hope she understood.

The next several days were so difficult. I cried and cried and then cried some more. I cried myself right into the worst migraine I’ve had in a really long time. I didn’t get out of bed until 6 pm on Saturday, and that was just to eat dinner real quick and take a shower. By the time Sunday rolled around, I was feeling a little better, but I still had a very bad lingering headache. Grief sucks.

I get a little better as the days go on. All of my other critters have been a great support system for me. Sedona has been checking on me more than normal, and when I cry, she lays her head on my lap as if to console me. Attila has been a pillar of support as well. He hasn’t left my side for a second, sleeping next to me all day and all night. I have to remember he’s lost someone, too, so we have to support each other. As I was laying in bed the other day, I snapped this picture. He was snuggled under my left arm, and he had his leg on my chest. This has been my norm lately.

I still have a long road ahead of me. It’s hard to say goodbye to a ten year companion. She was with me in college. She saw me graduate. She was there when I came home from my first day of work. She was there when I got married. She was with us through numerous moves. She would always nudge my fingers as I typed out my blog entries. She would sit on my lap as I watched T.V. We would hold endless conversations, both of us meowing in our own special language. It’s hard to let that all go, but I know that one day soon, I will be able to look at her picture and smile and not shed one single tear because I did the right thing. I did right by her.

I came across this article last year in Healthy Pet Magazine. I saved it because I thought it had some great information in it not only for myself, but for those who don’t quite understand the pain I’m experiencing and the anguish I go through every time I lose a little one. Just click each picture to enlarge.

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Again, I want to thank you all for letting me share Isabel with you. Thank you to my family and friends who have sent me e-mails and texts and have invited me out (although I'm not quite ready yet). Thank you to my mom who made me chicken noodle soup even though it was 100F outside. Thank you to my husband who although shares in my grief has the strength to console me and be my rock. Isabel was one terrific cat, but more than that, she was such a great companion for so many years. Izzy-busy-belly-jelly-bean, we will miss you.

Isabel 1998-2009

My heart is heavy. It aches. Tears have been flowing from my eyes for over a day now. Isabel lost her battle with cancer yesterday. As I sit here and type those words, I pray that it is not true, but here I sit staring at an empty basket. She will be missed beyond any words I can write here.

As I normally do, I will post a memorial to her, but for now, the emptiness is too fresh; the pain too much. If a bucket of tears could bring her back, she would have been here in a heart beat.

I will be taking a short break from blogging. I hope you understand.

The Ten O'Clock Call

Wow - what a week. I'm not even sure where to begin, but I've heard it's best to start at the beginning, so here it goes.

Let's start with some fun crafty stuff. Wednesday was my last day at physical therapy (I have a bad shoulder that I've been trying to rehabilitate for a few months now), and I thought it would be fun to bring everyone some cupcakes. Since I had just made cupcakes the day before, it was perfect timing! I individually wrapped four cupcakes, made tags, and used twine to wrap them around each cupcake. Here's how they turned out.

I distressed the tags using the distress techniques I've been learning from Jennifer McGuire's "Thinking Inking" class. You should go check out her videos - they're great!

I was also in a picture taking mood that day, so just for fun, here is Sedona lounging outside just before it reached 100F degrees.

This next picture was a seriously lucky shot. I was taking pictures of Isabel sitting all cute on the window sill , so I was already in place when she yawned really big.

Speaking of the cutest kitty ever, Isabel finally had her surgery done yesterday evening. What a day. What a very, very long day. We went in for her appointment at 7:30 am. Dr. J and I decided that the best route to take at this point would be surgery since the needle aspirate that he did last week came back inconclusive. I left her with him and came home.

At 11:00 am, I received a phone call from the vet office saying that they had admitted a very sick puppy that needed exploratory surgery right away, and that Dr. J would have to push back Isabel's surgery until the evening time. The tech asked me if I wanted to come and pick up Isabel and take her home for the next several hours so that she could be with me. Off I went to get her.

By the time 4:30 pm rolled around, I had to take her back to the vet office. I was very nervous, but knew I was leaving her in capable hands. I came home, ate dinner, and went on my run. I took my cell phone with me because I didn't want to miss the vet's call, and around 7:45 pm, the tech called me to let me know Isabel was in surgery and everything was going well. Dr. J would call me in about a half hour to give me a final update. I was relieved she was doing okay, but I was still quite anxious. I ran the last mile of my run in about 7 minutes. I ran harder and faster than I ever have before. It felt good.

After finishing my work out around 8:30 pm, I waited for the vet to call me. I normally shower after my workout (of course, I stink after running in 90F + weather!), but I didn't want to miss his call. So I waited, and waited, and waited and waited. By 10:00 pm I was worried, and I sitting in my own stink which was not cool, so I grabbed the phone and went to take a shower, but just as I picked up the phone, it rang! It was Dr. J. He said Isabel had made it through surgery nicely. Unfortunately, he was unable to remove the mass because it turned out to be the mesenteric lymph node. He did, however, take two biopsies of the lymph node to send to the lab. He suspects it might be lymphoma (cancer). We'll have to wait and see. He also found numerous 1 mm masses on her liver which is never good news. He biopsied those as well. We're now in yet another waiting period.

For now, Isabel is back at home. She was so happy to see me when I picked her up! She seems alert, and her incision looks really good. She's on antibiotics and pain meds for the next 10-14 days. I shot this quick video of her when we got home. Turn up the volume - we both have something to say to all of you :)



If you didn't hear that, I'll reiterate - THANK YOU for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I am so thankful that so many of you were sending positive vibes for her. I couldn't ask for better friends :)

Switching gears a bit, tomorrow Travis and I will be here:



It seems like awful timing, but we really need a day of fun together, and we've been planning this little trip for months now. We were able to get a couple of free tickets, so we'll be roller coasting all day tomorrow! I'm leaving Isabel in my mom's very capable hands :)

Lastly, this week has been a sad one in the entertainment world.

Ed McMahon - sad, but he lived a long and successful life.

Farrah Fawcett - again, sad, but we knew she was very ill.

Michael Jackson - huh? Yeah, I was pretty stunned.

They always seem to go in three's. Strange.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Mystery Diagnosis

Ever watch that show? I do. You can catch it on the Discovery Health Channel almost every day. I find the stories fascinating, but what really gets me is the human element behind every diagnosis. I often cry tears of joy for the patients who finally find out what has been ailing them. All the doctors, all the tests, everything just culminates into this gigantic sigh of relief once they are diagnosed, but that diagnosis comes after months, often times years, of suffering and frustration.

Now I feel like I'm on Mystery Diagnosis, and the patient is Isabel.

She had her recheck exam today and what I thought would be a quick exam involving some film snaps of her chest resulting in a thumbs-up from the vet turned into yet another curve ball for us. Instead of ordering some x-rays, Dr. J wanted to re-do the ultrasound of her belly so that he could determine exactly what the mass was attached to. He also wanted to see if the mass might be a lymph node since he had a similar case present itself yesterday, and the mass in the patient's belly turned out to be a lymph node that could not be removed. I left her in very capable hands, came home, and waited.

I didn't expect to hear what the vet was going to tell me.

He found another mass, near her bladder. This news is not good news.

You can see her bladder in the upper right corner of this picture. To the left of it, you see another mass labeled "?" That's the new mystery mass. Below the mass is the aorta running from left to right. Her original mass is rather large extending from her aorta to her abdomen. The vet is concerned that one or both of these masses could be a lymph node. In order to decide whether the masses need to be treated medically or surgically, Isabel has to have an ultrasound biopsy of both. She's scheduled to go in tomorrow at 7:45 am. I'm a mess.

I cried all the way home. I feel as though I'm being tested on so many levels, and I just don't know why. I'm emotionally fatigued which is making me physically exhausted. I wasn't able to run tonight because Dr. J wasn't able to get to Isabel until the evening time which is when I do my runs. I fancy myself a rather strong person, but there's really only so much I can take before I break. And who knows? I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill, but that's the way I am. I've lost too many of my critters to know that these things don't always turn out the way we want them to.

I tried to imagine life without this face:

I couldn't, and I cried some more. Some people reading this entry may say, "But she's just a cat. Get over it." To that statement, I quote one of my all time favorite statements by Mahatma Gandhi:

"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated."

I choose to treat my animals with the same love and kindness they show me on a daily basis. They ask for nothing more in return than the basic necessities of life, and they give me so much more every day. They are my kids, and as such, I will do all I can to make sure they live happy, healthy lives. It's the right thing to do, and it's who I am as a person.

So life continues to throw me curve balls. I will try to continue to knock them out of the park, but for now, I think I'll tuck myself in and hope for the best tomorrow.

Trials

Sigh. It has already been a long day for me and it's just barely the afternoon. I did all of my normal chores this morning, and as I was finishing up, I heard one of my little ones crying. I raced over to him only to find this rather horrifying scene:

Yes, that's blood, and yes, it was everywhere. It looked like a scene out of some seriously sick horror movie, and standing right there on his blankie looking up at me was Poker, crying. Both he and Keno were covered in blood. What on earth happened? My mind was racing. My heart was pounding. I picked him up and looked him up and down and finally found the source of the blood - his paw.

See that bloody toe there? That small little toe was the cause of all of that blood. I immediately went to the sink to wash it out and see if I could stop the bleeding. Poker is such a good little guy. As long as I let him have some treats, he let me look at his paw and clean it out. With a little help, I was even able to bandage it up.

Shockingly, he hasn't managed to get that bandage off his leg yet. I taped it to his fur, so that's probably what's keeping it in place, but I can tell you he's not a happy camper. I can tell he hurts, and it pains me to see any of my little ones in any kind of discomfort. We spent some quality time together on the couch earlier. He just wanted his mama. We have a vet appointment this afternoon to make sure he gets proper treatment to prevent infection. I'm becoming quite the regular at the vet office these days.

Speaking of sick little ones and appointments, here's an update on this sweet girl:

I took her back to the vet on Monday unexpectedly. She had been throwing up and having diarrhea for the past week, so when I called the vet office on Monday to let them know of her new symptoms, Dr. J wanted to see her right away. So off we went. And there we sat...for two and a half hours. Luckily, the staff knows me and my critters and how much I love them and care for them, and they were able to give me a discount (thank heavens because I can assure you I'm not made of money!). Her x-rays revealed that her chest infection is clearing up nicely, but there was still some cloudiness that precluded any surgery at this time. So, Dr. J put her on a new antibiotic that I have to give to her once a day for the next two weeks. This antibiotic comes in the form of a sub-q injection. I don't mind giving my little ones shots. I've been doing that for years, but Isabel doesn't seem to be very happy with the idea. Monday night wasn't too bad since I caught her off guard, but last night was more challenging since she's getting wise to me. Oral meds are not an option for Isabel. She's sweet as can be until you come after her with a piller.

That's my life right now in a nutshell, and that's not even the half of it. The good news is that I'm still running and hitting new and exciting milestones every week. I'm going to do a post on that hopefully tomorrow, barring any unforeseen toe-nail ripping. I also have a fun and creative new endeavor that I'm working on that I hope to share with you all this week.

Thanks for all your kind comments, and please do not be offended if I haven't been able to visit your blog in a while! As you can tell, things are pretty hectic here. Have a great day everyone :)

Playing Catch Up

Hello everyone! Seems it's been a while since my last post. Sorry 'bout that. Life has been a bit hectic lately, so I've been swamped with an even more exhausting "to do" list. But that stuff doesn't really matter right now. What does matter is that I need to get back into the groove of making fun stuff! Actually, before my little absence, I did make a batch of invitations, but we'll get to those a little later. First, an update on this little one:

Her congestion has cleared up considerably, and she appears to be feeling a whole lot better. However, she has started to throw up on an almost daily basis and has been having bouts of diarrhea and soft stool (yes, I have no problem talking about pooh). She has a progress exam this Friday, but I'm going to call the vet about her new developments tomorrow. Perhaps the mass in her belly is causing these new symptoms. Hopefully he can clear her soon for surgery. Wish us luck!

Now, for the fun stuff! My friend just bought his first house, and as a gift, I told him I would make the invitations for his house warming party. Originally, the party was set for this weekend, but a few key people were not able to attend. I ended up making all 30 invitations in just one sitting since I thought the party was fast approaching. At least they're (almost) all done! (I say "almost" because the insides of the invites are not complete.)

And finally, here's a little funny for you. Last night while we were watching SNL, we caught Sedona staring at something on the floor. She was in deep, deep concentration. When I went to look at what she was staring out, it turned out to be a little seed that she must have dragged in from outside. I'm talking teeny-tiny-how-could-she-even-see-this-thing little. At first, we thought it was a bug, hence the title of the video (I even say it's a bug in the video). Anyway, we could not stop laughing at her! The absolute concentration on her face and the stiffness of her body as she stared at this seed were hilarious! A 175 lb. Dane vs. a seed. Too funny! Enjoy :)

Izzy Update + Card

Thank you all SO MUCH for the sweet comments and positive thoughts you sent our way. Yesterday was one of the longest days I've had in recent memory and one of the most stressful. I dropped Isabel off at the vet office at 8 am. I was able to leave her basket for her so that she could feel a little more comfortable in the cage. Then I came home and cleaned like a mad woman. I needed to occupy my mind.

By 3:00 pm, I hadn't heard from the vet office. They all know me there and know that I like to receive updates about my little ones, so I decided to call to see what was going on. The gal I spoke with said that Isabel was resting comfortably in her basket. I was happy to hear that.

An hour later, I received a call from one of the techs, and here's where the story takes a most peculiar turn. She said that the vet had not been able to see Isabel just yet. I can say for certain that I was not a happy mama at that point. My girl had been at their office for eight hours just sitting in a cage. She hadn't eaten in about 20 hours because I had to take the food away from her the previous night to prepare her for surgery. I asked if the dental would be done by the time I picked her up, and she said that they wanted to keep Isabel overnight at no charge so that the dental could be done the following morning. "But wait," I said. "The reason she's having everything done today is so that she only needs to go under anesthesia once to do both the ultrasound + biopsy and the dental surgery." The girl then informed me that she didn't need to go under for the ultrasound although that's not what I was told this past weekend. Confused yet? Yeah, so was I.

I'm going to spare you all a long and convoluted story by cutting to the chase. Isabel had her ultrasound without being put under. I expressed my complete disappointment to the staff about their lack of communication to me throughout the day and the incorrect information I received this past weekend from several of their techs. I also told them that I was not happy that my poor kitty had to endure a day without food due to misinformation. Furthermore, I asked what was the point in making an appointment at all if that appointment was not going to be kept? I truly understand that emergencies arise in a vet hospital. I should know - I used to work as a vet tech, but not keeping me informed as to what was going on and keeping my kitty at the office for 11 hours (yes, it wasn't until 7:00 pm that I was able to take her home) with no food was unacceptable in my book. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Now, onto her results. Her senior blood panel is all within normal range except for a high white cell count which is indicative of infection. We know she has an infection in her two front teeth, and she also has some sort of infection in her chest. The x-rays revealed a lot of congestion in her lung area, and before any type of surgery can be done her lungs need to be clear. As for the mass, the vet believes it may be her spleen, but he can't tell for sure. He can account for all the other organs except for the spleen, so either the mass is the spleen or it's sitting on top of the spleen.

This first picture shows the mass on the very top. That little black circle right under the mass is a major artery.

This next snapshot shows the mass in relation to her left kidney.

The good news here is that the mass appears to be all by itself and likely easy to remove. If it turns out to be the spleen, it can be removed without any negative effects since the kidneys and liver take over the functions of the spleen when it is no longer present (this is true in humans as well). Her teeth will be able to be extracted at the same time the mass is removed, so she'll only need to go under once. We just need to clear her chest, and she'll be good to go for surgery.

She has a progress exam this Saturday morning. They'll take more x-rays to see if the antibiotic injection she received last Saturday is helping. She'll also get one more antibiotic injection at that time. I'm so grateful that they finally came out with an antibiotic shot! Isabel is such a sweetie until you approach her with oral meds. She turns into the devil!

The pictures that you've seen scattered on this post were taken this morning. She was being a very good little model. She also insisted on making a video to show everyone her new shaved belly. Turn your speakers on if you want to hear her talk!



Okay, I know that was a lot of information to digest, and if you've made it this far, thanks! Here's your reward - a birthday card I whipped together yesterday for a friend.

Thanks again for all your warm wishes for Isabel. She's not out of the woods yet, but at least she's home with me.

In need of some positive thoughts

It's pretty unusual for me to blog on a Sunday night, but I have a special request. If you believe in prayer and the power of positive thinking, then please send some to my little Isabel. We had to take her to the vet office yesterday because she was having labored breathing and coughing, and what we thought might be just a simple respiratory infection turned to be a bit worse.

See those absolutely adorable front teeth she has that stick out like fangs?

It turns out they are infected and lose. I was in shock to learn this because she lets me rub her gums all the time, and she never showed any discomfort toward her front teeth. The infection she has in those teeth may be causing her congestion, but at this time we don't fully know if that's the case. We'll have to wait and see.

The vet continued to give her a full exam, and she was so, so good. She sat on her blanket like a princess, and as long as I was there, she was fine. I'm sure she was also happy that her daddy was home and able to come with her to her doctor's appointment. That hardly ever happens. It's usually just me and the critters.

As the vet continued his examination, he noticed a rather odd lump in her abdomen area. I had noticed this area, too, not very long ago, but I didn't think much of it. I figured I must have felt wrong or that I was feeling an organ inside her belly. Turns out that lump isn't suppose to be there. Turns out it's rather large. Turns out we need to get it biopsied.

Tomorrow morning I take her back to the vet hospital for surgery. She needs to be put under in order to have her ultrasound done and the biopsy taken. At that time, she will also have a complete dental with the extraction of her two front teeth. I'm going to miss that quirky fanged little look of hers.

I think what I'm most worried about are the results of the biopsy. It can take up to seven business days to get those results back, and until then, I'm going to be a basket case. I can only hope the mass is something that can be removed. Of course, that means another surgery for her in the not-so-distant future. My poor little Izzy-busy-belly-jelly-bean.

If you've been following my blog for a while, then you know that I lost my Zoe in November and my Beowulf in February, only three months apart. Now, three months after Bay's passing, I'm back at the vet hospital with Isabel. I can't possibly even contemplate losing her. Not so soon. Not so young.

I am just one stressed-out mama.